Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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