he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
This whole thing is fucking bullshit. I should be wasting all my hard-earned money at Planet Con this weekend but NOOOOOOOOO. Now I'll never get Roy Thomas to sign my comic
Randomize
