I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Randomize