Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
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