Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
