I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
My ass is underappreciated
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Randomize
