Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Randomize
