I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
if only i could text you this smell
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
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