the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize