My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
Randomize
