Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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