if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
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