The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
No.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Randomize
