Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Randomize
