put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
whose parrot is this?
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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