Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
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