dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
