Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize