mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
Randomize
