I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
Come on in and take your pants off
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