i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize