We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
