i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
