i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
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