I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
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