I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Randomize
