did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Randomize
