so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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