Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
