ok now this is the second time he's reffered to recieving a blow job as 'getting his pee pee sucked'
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Mom said you looked used
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
