I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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