I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Randomize
