peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Randomize
