Do you think you have hit the lowest point in your life when you find yourself actually condisering watching the movie "Gigli"?
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
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