i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
Randomize