You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
