I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Randomize
