My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
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