I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize