Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
