My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
Randomize
