my phone needs a breathalizer
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Randomize
