if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Randomize
