I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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