I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
