I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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