mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
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