I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Randomize
