I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
Randomize
