Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Randomize
