Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
