false alarm. still invincible.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
