If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
