I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
Randomize
