My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Randomize
