Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
