I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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