I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
I think a kid would responsible me up
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
