They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Randomize
