Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Randomize
