I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
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