we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
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