it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Randomize
