seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
3 different guys in my psych class know me as 3 different names and said hi to me with all 3 different names-Andrea, Grace, and Bella
I've never been more proud of you
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
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