drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Randomize
