...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
