omg he said he wants to insert his penis into my vagnia what do i say
tell him to stop quoting family guy
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Randomize
