I was about to buy asher roth's album and then i realized he was a ginger. can't support
Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
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