I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
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