he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
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