I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
